Maybe it's really going to happen.....

I hope I didn't jinx myself with that title. I still don't feel pregnant. It is hard to believe there is life inside me, despite the ultrasounds, despite seeing the baby move, despite the fact that I caved and rented a doppler so I can hear the little heartbeat everyday. I think perhaps I'm scared to believe even though, as I get past every milestone and test it seems more likely, attaching myself to that little being is the final step to admitting that I really do believe it's going to happen. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid it will be taken away from me. I can't say that I've wanted a baby all my life, my maternal instinct only kicked in a few years ago, and even then it was limited. I don't like all baby's but I will love my own. My own baby will probably make me feel comfortable around other peoples babies. Does that sound wierd? I don't have many good friends with children here in the US. In Ireland I have several friends with children whom I love dearly but I only see them once a year. Maybe I'm afraid it will all be taken away because I haven't wanted it badly enough for long enough. There is such a mix of sadness and happiness in our community at all times. Sometimes the scales seem unbalanced one way or the other. I was devastated by the news over at Julianna's place. How unfair is that. Then there is the great news over at the Buttmansion household and I think, YEAH, that is so fair. It's the way it should be. There are so many people still waiting and they have been waiting so long- and that is not fair. Then there are all the people starting out and I hope all the time that the journey from this point will be easy for them to bear. There are so many wonderful people and I can't mention you all here. Thank you for e-mailing me demanding updates. Thank you for caring. I think of you all a lot even though I haven't been around. I am 13 weeks and 2 days today. I have had CVS, which wasn't so bad, slightly more uncomfortable than a PAP smear. The doctor was amazing, he talked all the way through it explaining what he was doing and at the end I gave him some advice for his bum knee. While the tech was doing the US to take measurements, Alf was lying there serenely. I asked her if at this stage we should be seeing movement. She said "oh yes" and jiggled the probe up and down on my stomach and Alf started moving arms and legs. B and I both had tears in our eyes. It was the first time we'd seen our baby move. When the doctor was putting in the probe I could see it on the screen and Alf was doing indignant somersaults nearby. I could almost hear the cries of "hey, get out of my space dude" Four days later we got the preliminary report which is 98 % final. I still can't think of a good name for my OB. She is so wonderful. She left a message at home (B couldn't get to the phone on time) and on my cell (I forgot to take it off silent after a meeting) and I missed both saying, congratulations, everything is fine with your CVS results. Of course she didn't say if it was a boy or girl because she wasn't sure if we wanted to know. Her office was closed so I paged her (it was only 6:30 pm) and the darling lady called me back immediately. She said congratulations again and I'm shouting, what is it, what is it? We're having............. a little boy! I'm so excited. We didn't care one way or the other but we were convinced it was a girl so we were a little shocked. A baby boy with no genetic abnormalities but don't think I'm done worrying yet. I'm waiting for my Cystic Fibrosis screening to come back and then there is the structural US at 18-20 weeks. For now I have a little pooch (I always have a pooch so little is a misnomer- I have a bigger pooch than I used t0 have) and I'm at that annoying stage where my regular clothes are way too tight and I look like an imposter in maternity clothes. I have yet to find a happy medium- By the time I do I will probably need maternity clothes. That's it for now folks. I hope to spend some time later today catching up on all of your news. Have a happy Sunday.