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Maybe it's really going to happen.....

I hope I didn't jinx myself with that title. I still don't feel pregnant. It is hard to believe there is life inside me, despite the ultrasounds, despite seeing the baby move, despite the fact that I caved and rented a doppler so I can hear the little heartbeat everyday. I think perhaps I'm scared to believe even though, as I get past every milestone and test it seems more likely, attaching myself to that little being is the final step to admitting that I really do believe it's going to happen. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid it will be taken away from me. I can't say that I've wanted a baby all my life, my maternal instinct only kicked in a few years ago, and even then it was limited. I don't like all baby's but I will love my own. My own baby will probably make me feel comfortable around other peoples babies. Does that sound wierd? I don't have many good friends with children here in the US. In Ireland I have several friends with children whom I love dearly but I only see them once a year. Maybe I'm afraid it will all be taken away because I haven't wanted it badly enough for long enough. There is such a mix of sadness and happiness in our community at all times. Sometimes the scales seem unbalanced one way or the other. I was devastated by the news over at Julianna's place. How unfair is that. Then there is the great news over at the Buttmansion household and I think, YEAH, that is so fair. It's the way it should be. There are so many people still waiting and they have been waiting so long- and that is not fair. Then there are all the people starting out and I hope all the time that the journey from this point will be easy for them to bear. There are so many wonderful people and I can't mention you all here. Thank you for e-mailing me demanding updates. Thank you for caring. I think of you all a lot even though I haven't been around. I am 13 weeks and 2 days today. I have had CVS, which wasn't so bad, slightly more uncomfortable than a PAP smear. The doctor was amazing, he talked all the way through it explaining what he was doing and at the end I gave him some advice for his bum knee. While the tech was doing the US to take measurements, Alf was lying there serenely. I asked her if at this stage we should be seeing movement. She said "oh yes" and jiggled the probe up and down on my stomach and Alf started moving arms and legs. B and I both had tears in our eyes. It was the first time we'd seen our baby move. When the doctor was putting in the probe I could see it on the screen and Alf was doing indignant somersaults nearby. I could almost hear the cries of "hey, get out of my space dude" Four days later we got the preliminary report which is 98 % final. I still can't think of a good name for my OB. She is so wonderful. She left a message at home (B couldn't get to the phone on time) and on my cell (I forgot to take it off silent after a meeting) and I missed both saying, congratulations, everything is fine with your CVS results. Of course she didn't say if it was a boy or girl because she wasn't sure if we wanted to know. Her office was closed so I paged her (it was only 6:30 pm) and the darling lady called me back immediately. She said congratulations again and I'm shouting, what is it, what is it? We're having............. a little boy! I'm so excited. We didn't care one way or the other but we were convinced it was a girl so we were a little shocked. A baby boy with no genetic abnormalities but don't think I'm done worrying yet. I'm waiting for my Cystic Fibrosis screening to come back and then there is the structural US at 18-20 weeks. For now I have a little pooch (I always have a pooch so little is a misnomer- I have a bigger pooch than I used t0 have) and I'm at that annoying stage where my regular clothes are way too tight and I look like an imposter in maternity clothes. I have yet to find a happy medium- By the time I do I will probably need maternity clothes. That's it for now folks. I hope to spend some time later today catching up on all of your news. Have a happy Sunday.


Anonymous Leggy said...

A boy- very exciting. Some people don't want to know, but it made the pregnancy more real for me. Glad he's healthy- that's a big relief.

4/02/2006 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Great news!

4/02/2006 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger K&M said...

Awwww little boys are awesome! Congratulations!

4/02/2006 01:58:00 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

congratulations on your little Boy!

I'm where you are with the clothes. Ugh.

4/02/2006 02:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

Congrats on the CVS results and on the Boy news! Woo-hoo!
I'm so happy to hear that things continue to progress well for you.

4/02/2006 05:09:00 PM  
Blogger Ornery said...

It's a boy! Congratulations, and wonderful news about the CVS results!

Thanks so much for the updates. Please keep them coming!

4/02/2006 06:26:00 PM  
Blogger Boliath said...

A boy! Yahoo! Congratulations!

Little boys are wonderful, so happy for you...go Alf!

4/02/2006 08:47:00 PM  
Blogger Beagle said...

Congrats on your latest happy news . . . a boy! I'm just thrilled for you and hubby!

4/03/2006 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Mommy's little boy. I am so happy for you!

4/03/2006 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

Stories like this get me so amped up! Congratulations!

4/03/2006 01:24:00 PM  
Anonymous mm said...

Congrats!! I'm almost exactly where you are, physically and mentally. What a strange but wonderful place to be.

4/03/2006 07:27:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

Me too. So happy for you. A little boy :-D

I do need those good news, so please don't stop filling us in on the progress.

Take care!


4/04/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger erinberry said...

Congratulations on your little boy!

4/04/2006 09:37:00 AM  
Blogger Boliath said...

Hiya hon, just posted a lit of Mommyblogs for you...

Happy reading!

4/05/2006 08:04:00 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

What a great story! I'm next! I'm next! Thanks for visiting and good luck.

4/05/2006 06:48:00 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

Glad to hear all is going well. You're in the second trimester now!

4/06/2006 03:31:00 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

"I haven't wanted it badly enough for long enough."

If that isn't infertile-speak, I don't know what is. Something about infertility just makes it so damn hard for us to say, yeah, we deserve for things to go right for once. Its yet another thing I hate about it all.

Forget all that...A BOY!! What fabulous news! I am so glad the CVS results came back great and that you are moving right along. Please keep us updated!

4/07/2006 08:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Portlairge, I'm so very glad about your news! Congratulations on your great CVS results -- and on having a little boy! I'm wishing you a long, uneventful, boring, healthy, ENTIRELY DESERVED pregnancy.

4/08/2006 08:22:00 AM  
Blogger Kellieandkids said...

I'm so happy for you that things are going so well....
Congratulations on our little boy! How Awesome. Boys are great!

4/12/2006 05:47:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I guess the CVS tells you the sex for sure. My OB told us we were having a boy at 13 weeks based on the ultrasound...she was soooo sure...and it was a girl...but yours sounds much more certain. Congratulations on your little boy!!!!

I know exactly how you feel about wondering if this is really happening. After you wait for so long, it almost seems surreal.

4/14/2006 07:42:00 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

A little wonderful. So happy for you.

4/15/2006 08:54:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Wow! That's great. Congratulations.

4/20/2006 01:05:00 AM  
Blogger Beagle said...

How have you been? I am tagging you to prompt you to post.

See my blog for instructions.

4/25/2006 04:35:00 PM  
Blogger Boliath said...

Just checking in to see if there is any update, I'm afraid that no news is not good news, hope all is okay with you, thinking of you and wishing you well.

4/30/2006 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

I'm adding my voice to those who are missing you!! I hope everything is going well.

5/01/2006 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Vivien said...

Hi There
Haven't heard from you in a long while, hope it is all going well still. I 'tagged' you on my blog for 9 quirky things. At least it's an excuse to think and write about something else . . .
Thinking of you,

5/04/2006 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger NikkiNix said...

YAY !!! There's hope ! I am so glad that I found you! Hubbyand me have been referred to an IVF clinic, and I have nooo idea what we are getting into. I plan to go back in your bloggs a bit to find some inspiration. THANK YOU for being here !

5/14/2006 11:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Amber said...

WHere are you? please post soon. I hate to worry for nothing. Hope the boy baby is doing great.

5/16/2006 08:46:00 AM  
Blogger Boliath said...

Portlairge sweetheart, I feel like I'm harassing you! :c)

Post when you're ready to babe, in the meantime, know that we miss you and wish you the best.

5/16/2006 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger Kellieandkids said...

Hello Hun!
How are you doing. Please check in when you have a second.

5/17/2006 06:21:00 AM  
Blogger Cassie said...

Congratulations! I am hoping you can help me - i've searched high and low for some assistance or feedback and i've landed here! My best friend is just over 3 mths pregnant and went through IVF (she was lucky enough to fall first go). When she first had her treatment she was told to wait until say, Saturday, to do her home test to determine if it was successful, she couldn't wait and felt something so she did a chemist bought test on the Thursday. When she rang me I was excited but I was also very scared for her that she was getting herself excited without waiting the time the doctor prescribed her and I didn't want her to be dissappointed. She then told me she was shocked that i wasn't excited for her as her best friend and she thought my reaction would have been more positive. This hurt me and I've told her that I just didn't want to see her disappointed and I believed in her but i wanted to make sure everything was confirmed by a doctor before going overboard.

So anyway this weekend we had lunch and this is 3 mths after the fact, and she now emails me telling me that she can talk to me on the phone but can't look at me or spend time with me as she's still hurt at my initial reaction. I don't know what to do, no matter what i do from here on in she is never going to accept that I am so incredibly happy for her and my initial reaction was probably just wanting to protect her. Has anyone else gone through this from a 'friend's perspective' or did you get any reactions like this? Sorry for ranting on for ages tell me to bugger off if you like!

8/01/2006 03:53:00 AM  

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