Time to Take the Finger Out!

I just got back from my acupuncture session. B and I go together every Saturday and have done for the last 4 months. We wanted to do everything we could possibly do to make the next round of IVF work. Well, I did and B is just going along with it to keep me happy, darling that he is. He and S(acupuncturist) ganged up on me today. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't do any exercise, spend all day on the computer (though to be fair, some of that time is spent working). I know I'm doing it and I know the only way to pull myself out is to get moving and start exercising but I just can't be bothered. I do feel sufficiently bad now that I'm scared of feeling this way forever. My lack of control over my feelings and my life are actually terrifying the crap out of me. I wish I just knew what was going to happen. My life is on hold. I am waiting to either have a child, or not have a child. I don't necessarily think I will have a child one way or the other, in fact it is hard to imagine that I'll ever be a mother. I don't think I want to adopt. It's a choice between a biological child or no child. I haven't discussed this with B. We haven't got to that point yet.I'm making a commitment now to take the finger out. I will get back into my walking routine and go to 2 yoga classes this week. B said he'll come to yoga with me. I don't really want to but at this point, I have to.

Some More History

I had an IUI with medication on November 11th and 12th. B's sperm count was really low so Dr Ding-Dong said that there was not much hope of the cycle working. I had two follicles which he said was a bit of a disappointing response to the Menopur. He said if he had known I would respond like that he would have started the meds on cycle day 2 instead of 3. When I had IVF in July, he could count 12 follicles and I responded really quickly to the medication but they only retrieved 7 eggs. That cycle failed. 6 of the eggs fertilized. He implanted 4 embryos and the other 2 didn't make it. So now, here I am waiting for my period to start so I can start another cycle of IVF.

A Little History

B. and I have been married for 9 years. Only in the last 18 months have we taken the finger out and really got the ball rolling on our infertility journey. B's sperm counts have been abysmal to not so bad. I had a d&c to remove polyps in April. One failed IUI in May with low sperm count led us to IVF in June/July. That didn't work. At first I was gung-ho to go straight into the next cycle but following a meeting with our RE, he thought our embryos(4) did not implant due to a sperm issue. B. Immediately had a SCSA test which after 2 agonizing weeks during which I read the awful facts that if his SCSA was >35, we had about a 1% chance of getting pregnant even with IVF. I fell apart and realized I was not ready to do another IVF. Well, his SCSA came back at 19 and normal is 15 so the doc said no worries. He has since told us that the most recent studies have shown that the SCSA may not even be that useful. We have spent the last 3 1/2 months doing acupuncture and taking vile disgusting herbs so that we have a better chance the next time. I am currently in the waiting period of an IUI with medication. We wanted to try that to see if the herbs/acupuncture had made any difference to the sperm count. It didn't and the IUI didn't work. On to IVF #2.