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1/18/2006

The Numbers Game

I started this post last night and didn't get it fininshed. It was written at a time when I was all happy and I let that bitch Hope poke her head around the door. Tuesday January 17th, 2006 Thank you all for your lovely comments. I know I've said it before but it really does mean a lot. I've noticed the general shock over my five embryo's and while I feel the support, I feel I want to explain the reasoning behind the transfer. I commented here and that should explain the theory surrounding the numbers. I am not trying to have a litter of babies. I know I am a relative newbie to this IVF lark in the big scheme of things but our problem is severe male factor and sometimes with ICSI while fertilization occurs, implantation and pregnancy rates are still a little lower. I turn 38 next week. I want a baby. I trust Dr Ding-Dong. B and I have discussed the issue of triplets. You know my Grandmother had triplets in 1936. They all died because they were born at 7 months in a freezing cold March in a house with no plumbing or heating. They died within the first week. My Grandmother went on to have one more child, my Dad, the last of 13. When I was younger my Dad used to tease me about having triplets and carrying on the tradition. He doesn't really understand this infertility stuff although he listens to it all when I ring home and my Mother isn't there and then he gets all the numbers wrong when he reports it back to her. Maybe I am tempting fate here, but I really don't think so. I laughed when Beagle noticed that I had mentioned the number 5 in my post the night before and we transferred 5 embryos. It's funny really, I'm not a big numbers person. Fate is always something you talk about after the fact. This cycle I'm obsessed with numbers. We did retrieval on Friday 13th and then we had 13 embryos on the day of transfer. Now the 5 thing that Beagle noticed and the fact that if this cycle is successful, I'll be able to tell my parents that my due date is on their 40th wedding anniversary. Wednesday January 18th, 2006 Well, that would just make it all too fucking perfect now, wouldn't it. That was Hope really getting me going. What was I thinking? Today the nurse callled with my E2(1297) P4(40). Pretty good, right where I want them to be. I enquired about my remaining 8 embryos and she went off to check with the Embryologist. He's giving them one more day but at this point it looks like he will not be freezing any of them. So of my 8 remaining embryos- there are none left. Does that mean the same thing will happen to my 5 embryos transfered on Monday. Fuck. This is what happened last time. Dr Ding-Dong thinks they did not make it to implantation because my E2 and P4 levels dropped drastically on my day 5 bloods. I'm going in for labs again on Friday and this time I'm on the PIO instead of suppositories. I start V*velle patch on Friday after blood draw. I know that everything is being done but that nagging doubt and fear has arrived and will probably not leave. I HATE THAT!

21 Comments:

Anonymous julianna said...

In reading this, all I want is for you to find some peace.

Talk about the numbers game, for my IVF#3, seven excellent embryos were transferred. I cannot tell you how many people gasped.

IVF is hard. FUCKING HARD.

At some point, you have to trust yourself, your doctor(s), and fate or God or whatever flips someone's switch.

When those 7 excellent embryos were transferred, my doctor said that EACH had a 30% chance of making it to a live birth - HA! I got a brief positive beta and that was the end of that.

For IVF#2, I had THIRTEEN excellent embryos that my previous RE decided to take to blasts....there was only ONE excellent looking blast on day 5. I was shocked and stunned.

My current RE believes that MANY embryos are lost in the extremely hostile environment of the petri dish and they NEVER do blasts because of some recent study.

They believe that many more embryos survive in the uterus.

Know that you have five embryos in the most perfect place possible.

Good luck to you.

1/18/2006 08:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Oh that sucks. I've never had any leftovers until this last cycle, so I can relate to the disappointment re: not having any in the bank in case of a BFN.

That being said, I'm with Julianna re: the harshness of the petri dish. Your 5 are in the safest place possible, so here's hoping that at least one sticks.

I know its hard, but please try to keep some faith, hope, whatever. As of right now, you are officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I found that telling myself that if I was happier/calmer, I was creating a better environment for my embies, it made it easier to feel like I was doing the best I could. Because really, that's all you can do at this point.

I hope that wasn't too assvice-y. Just trying to offer what has worked for me to get through the 2ww.

1/18/2006 08:17:00 PM  
Blogger Feebee said...

I can't relate to what you're going through (yet) but just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

1/19/2006 02:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

Sorry about the freeze (or lack) news, that stinks, but I agree does not necessarily indicate that the same will happen with the 5 transferred. So if I'm reading correctly, your levels dropped last time but this time they're nice and strong? Hope that gives you comfort, and hope, and I'm hopeful for you too.

1/19/2006 05:06:00 AM  
Blogger Vacant Uterus said...

Stupid Hope. Don't know why she won't just stay down for good. I'm crossing things, praying,everything that this works out for you. *hugs!*

1/19/2006 05:48:00 AM  
Blogger Beagle said...

I am quickly learning that surviving IVF is a daily mind game. Some days I lose the game big time, a few blessed days I win, and the rest of the time I settle for a draw!

I, too, am obsessed about things my logical mind would never have entertained several years ago (pre-infertility phase of my life). Now I read fortune cookies like they are signs from God and I calculate, predict, shuffle numbers, etc., until they fit where I need them to.

I think you are right to trust your RE . . . 5 may not be right for everyone, but right now it's your perfect number.

Hope, Doubt, Worry and all the rest are big fat meanies! Ignore them as much as you can and try to listen to your internet cheering squad instead.

1/19/2006 05:49:00 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1/19/2006 07:59:00 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I know how hard it can be to be hopeful. Sounds like 5 was a good number to transfer. May they bring you your miracle.

1/19/2006 08:02:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the luck in the world.

1/19/2006 08:15:00 AM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Thank you all. It buoy's my spirit to receive these wonderful reassusrances. I'm a little better today. I'm trying really hard to be positive. I'll be pretty scare about tomorrow's lab results. I'm sure my P4 won't drop this time because I'm doing PIO but I'm worried about my E2. If that drops significantly I'm going to insist on bloodwork Sunday instead of Monday.

1/19/2006 08:18:00 AM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

The 2ww sucks under any conditions. Wishing you the best.

1/19/2006 09:26:00 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Oh shit I'm sorry you got this disappointing news. But remember they transferred the best, and they are more likely to survive in your womb than in the petri dish, so don't assume the worst given those good numbers.

Thinking of you.

1/19/2006 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Winnifred said...

Keeping fingers crossed for you as well... :)

I'm just curious - would you happen to have a link to info on ICSI due to bad sperm and lower success rates? We're dealing with severe MFI also (zero sperm count :( ) so i'm curious. I think they're only planning on implanting 3 back into me...

thanks in advance - but either way - GOOD LUCK!!!!!! :)

1/19/2006 12:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Really really hoping for you!!!

1/19/2006 01:38:00 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

First, I don't think anyone should give you a hard time about how many embryos you put back, because hey, its your body.
Secondly, I am really hoping for you as well.

1/19/2006 04:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

The uterus is a much better environment for the embryos to thrive in - I'm still hoping mightily for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through such an emotional rollercoaster.

1/19/2006 06:44:00 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

My clinic only does day 3 transfers for the reason that your uterus is a better place than the dish. They do, however, go to blast to freeze. Their logic there is that blasts survive thaws better and it saves you money if you end up witn none to freeze.

At any rate, good luck!

1/20/2006 05:15:00 AM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Even if hope isn't on your side, it sounds like fate is with all the numbers working out like that. If your grandmother had those triplets today, your dad would be the youngest of 16 children.
2WW blows, I am sorry you have to go through this.

1/20/2006 06:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

What a terrible mind-**** this two-week wait is. I wish I could fast-forward it for you, my dear. Or, failing that, to keep you distracted... but fat chance, right? Just know that we're all thinking of you and the five little beacons of hope that are right where they should be.

1/21/2006 07:19:00 AM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

One of the reasons I hate going away is that I miss so much with my friends ITC! I think I'm going to need to get a mobile card for the laptop. Or phone numbers. Or something!!

I laughed when you wrote about your mom and the candles-- My mother has a statue of Our Lady that she keeps "lit up"--

I am also keeping fingers crossed for you too. I am not going anywhere now, so expect me to be here often to check on you!

1/21/2006 07:33:00 AM  
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