The Numbers Game

I started this post last night and didn't get it fininshed. It was written at a time when I was all happy and I let that bitch Hope poke her head around the door. Tuesday January 17th, 2006 Thank you all for your lovely comments. I know I've said it before but it really does mean a lot. I've noticed the general shock over my five embryo's and while I feel the support, I feel I want to explain the reasoning behind the transfer. I commented here and that should explain the theory surrounding the numbers. I am not trying to have a litter of babies. I know I am a relative newbie to this IVF lark in the big scheme of things but our problem is severe male factor and sometimes with ICSI while fertilization occurs, implantation and pregnancy rates are still a little lower. I turn 38 next week. I want a baby. I trust Dr Ding-Dong. B and I have discussed the issue of triplets. You know my Grandmother had triplets in 1936. They all died because they were born at 7 months in a freezing cold March in a house with no plumbing or heating. They died within the first week. My Grandmother went on to have one more child, my Dad, the last of 13. When I was younger my Dad used to tease me about having triplets and carrying on the tradition. He doesn't really understand this infertility stuff although he listens to it all when I ring home and my Mother isn't there and then he gets all the numbers wrong when he reports it back to her. Maybe I am tempting fate here, but I really don't think so. I laughed when Beagle noticed that I had mentioned the number 5 in my post the night before and we transferred 5 embryos. It's funny really, I'm not a big numbers person. Fate is always something you talk about after the fact. This cycle I'm obsessed with numbers. We did retrieval on Friday 13th and then we had 13 embryos on the day of transfer. Now the 5 thing that Beagle noticed and the fact that if this cycle is successful, I'll be able to tell my parents that my due date is on their 40th wedding anniversary. Wednesday January 18th, 2006 Well, that would just make it all too fucking perfect now, wouldn't it. That was Hope really getting me going. What was I thinking? Today the nurse callled with my E2(1297) P4(40). Pretty good, right where I want them to be. I enquired about my remaining 8 embryos and she went off to check with the Embryologist. He's giving them one more day but at this point it looks like he will not be freezing any of them. So of my 8 remaining embryos- there are none left. Does that mean the same thing will happen to my 5 embryos transfered on Monday. Fuck. This is what happened last time. Dr Ding-Dong thinks they did not make it to implantation because my E2 and P4 levels dropped drastically on my day 5 bloods. I'm going in for labs again on Friday and this time I'm on the PIO instead of suppositories. I start V*velle patch on Friday after blood draw. I know that everything is being done but that nagging doubt and fear has arrived and will probably not leave. I HATE THAT!