The Beta is in

My RE normally schedules betas for 12dp3dt. My date for beta was Saturday January 28th. Yesterday morning I rushed out the door to a client appointment, when I got there, I thought "oh shit, I forgot to put on a new estrogen patch after I got out of the shower". After my meeting, I called the RE's office to let them know I was patchless as I was not going to be home until 9 pm last night. My favorite nurse called back and said that seeing as my E2 was 1200 on Monday, that it was ok to go without the patch until that evening. Then she said that she was disappointed thatI was having my beta on Saturday because she wouldn't be there. I told her to make sure and check my chart on Monday as I thought the news was going to be good. She immediately coped that I had been peeing on sticks like a crazy woman so she said you might as well come in tomorrow then and share the joy. So I went in today. They just called with my results. My beta is 190! E2 is 1921 P4 is 157 I still can't believe it. It seems so unreal. I don't have to go back for more bloodwork until next Friday and my ultrasound is in 2 weeks.

Before Manuela has a heart attack..........

That heading gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Like I am part of a huge family. Manuela wants an update and I dare not disobey. I got up at 5:30 am and poas. Negative! Went back to bed with my heart pounding and feeling very down. Then I realized it was a different test from the one I had used previously and I went in to check the instructions. It wasn't an early detection test- Does that matter? I really don't know, but in this case I guess it did. I went to the drugstore and bought some more of my trusty tests. B say they're the tests with the plus sign already on them!!!!!! I also bought a few more early tests of different brands. I wasn't able to test again until about 1:30pm with the trusted one and............. It was positive! Phew! I came home a while ago and B refused to believe that a plus is a plus.( He wants it to look like the plus sign on the box!!!!!!!!!!!!) Well, we know that's not going to happen. So for furthur studies I peed in a cup and dipped three different brands.(My habit is costing me a fortune). Two out of three were positive and one said the word "pregnant". So am I pregnant? I guess I won't really know the answer to that until I get the beta number on Saturday.

Happy Birthday to me!

Have I told you all how wonderful you are? That there is such a group of wonderful supportive people(who get it) just blows my mind. How I wish I had found you sooner. Thank you all for your kind words and advice and birthday wishes. I woke up this morning to all your comments and it really put a spring in my step. Then I peed on a stick. Yes I am one of the sad individuals who turns on her computer in the morning before she pees- for work purposes of course!! There was a very faint plus sign. I poas again when I came home from work.....another plus sign, this time a little darker but still faint. B maintains he can't see it but I know he can. He just doesn't want me to get too excited only to have my hopes dashed yet again. My blood results were good. E2-1200 and P4- 93. Nurse Hippie knew how worried I was about my numbers and has made an effort to be the one to call me on all three blood draw days. I think that is so nice of her. She reminded me that at this stage in my last cycle, my E2 and P4 has dropped to 46 and 8.5 respectively- a sure sign things had not worked out. I have changed my poas schedule because of these findings. B won't let me repeat my study tonight and I know it would be pointless so I will repeat tomorrow morning and probably again in the evening. I'm definitely happier then I was at this time yesterday but I am very realistic. There is so much that can go wrong but I can't help but be a little excited. NBHHY.

Can I have a little whine with that?

This is just a big old whine. I won't feel bad if you go away now and don't read any further. You won't find anything positive here. I feel totally and utterly paralyzed, unable to do anything except obsessively read blogs and sit on my arse until I know the outcome of this cycle. I hate waiting for anything. I know I'm not the first and I sure as hell won't be the last but JESUS, please make this next week go fast. My blood results last Friday were good. E2 was 1393 and P4 was 85. Do they mean anything? I really don't know at this stage but my obsession with numbers has not lessened. Tomorrow I go in for more blood draws. I'm really scared because at this stage in my last cycle, my levels dropped drastically. I don't remember what my E2 was but my P4 was only 7. The P4 won't drop this time because of PIO and I know my E2 will drop, but I'm not even sure what's acceptable. I POAS today. Negative. That was just to be sure the HCG had left my system from the trigger. I have 3 tests left. Monday(my birthday), Wednesday and Friday. Beta is on Saturday.

The Numbers Game

I started this post last night and didn't get it fininshed. It was written at a time when I was all happy and I let that bitch Hope poke her head around the door. Tuesday January 17th, 2006 Thank you all for your lovely comments. I know I've said it before but it really does mean a lot. I've noticed the general shock over my five embryo's and while I feel the support, I feel I want to explain the reasoning behind the transfer. I commented here and that should explain the theory surrounding the numbers. I am not trying to have a litter of babies. I know I am a relative newbie to this IVF lark in the big scheme of things but our problem is severe male factor and sometimes with ICSI while fertilization occurs, implantation and pregnancy rates are still a little lower. I turn 38 next week. I want a baby. I trust Dr Ding-Dong. B and I have discussed the issue of triplets. You know my Grandmother had triplets in 1936. They all died because they were born at 7 months in a freezing cold March in a house with no plumbing or heating. They died within the first week. My Grandmother went on to have one more child, my Dad, the last of 13. When I was younger my Dad used to tease me about having triplets and carrying on the tradition. He doesn't really understand this infertility stuff although he listens to it all when I ring home and my Mother isn't there and then he gets all the numbers wrong when he reports it back to her. Maybe I am tempting fate here, but I really don't think so. I laughed when Beagle noticed that I had mentioned the number 5 in my post the night before and we transferred 5 embryos. It's funny really, I'm not a big numbers person. Fate is always something you talk about after the fact. This cycle I'm obsessed with numbers. We did retrieval on Friday 13th and then we had 13 embryos on the day of transfer. Now the 5 thing that Beagle noticed and the fact that if this cycle is successful, I'll be able to tell my parents that my due date is on their 40th wedding anniversary. Wednesday January 18th, 2006 Well, that would just make it all too fucking perfect now, wouldn't it. That was Hope really getting me going. What was I thinking? Today the nurse callled with my E2(1297) P4(40). Pretty good, right where I want them to be. I enquired about my remaining 8 embryos and she went off to check with the Embryologist. He's giving them one more day but at this point it looks like he will not be freezing any of them. So of my 8 remaining embryos- there are none left. Does that mean the same thing will happen to my 5 embryos transfered on Monday. Fuck. This is what happened last time. Dr Ding-Dong thinks they did not make it to implantation because my E2 and P4 levels dropped drastically on my day 5 bloods. I'm going in for labs again on Friday and this time I'm on the PIO instead of suppositories. I start V*velle patch on Friday after blood draw. I know that everything is being done but that nagging doubt and fear has arrived and will probably not leave. I HATE THAT!

IVF # 2- Transfer

So I'm on the couch, already bored with bedrest. One more day to go. I did pass the first few hours reading lots and lots of blogs which I thoroughly enjoyed. Now I'm looking to cause trouble but can't find any to cause. B is watching me with an eagle eye. I will be good-I don't have a choice. Today they transferred 5; yes that would be 5 embryos. The doc asked me how many bedrooms we had!!!!! We had 2 perfect 8 cell embryos and then a 7, 6 and 5 cell with minimal fragmentation. They definitely won't have 8 to freeze. They may have none so I think the Dr Ding-Dong was going for it. My hopes are pinned on my 2 perfect embies. Surely at least one of them will burrow into my lining. I went to acupuncture after the transfer. Per protocol. I don't feel anxious right now. (I usually do). We've done our best. My friend just made a comment that my home town in Ireland is probably visible from space because my Mother has lit so many candles in so many churches. There are masses being said for B and I at several churches around the town EVERY DAY!!!!!! The priests must think we've commited some henious sin!!!!!! My Mother is so sweet. She's not praying for a grandchild. She is praying for something that she knows will make B and I happy.

PIO, P E E OH

I'll name that tune in 5! Come on now- sing along. Well, the first PIO shot wasn't bad. My best friend M gave it with B watching. He did a few shots into an orange for good measure. The talented M is a great shot giver and I didn't even feel the needle. I just felt some of the PIO itself going into my muscle towards the end of the shot. I heated the spot with my trusty hot water bottle and the area just feels like it is a little bruised today. Today it was B's turn to give the shot with M supervising. She drew a big circle in red marker on each hip so he will have a general target. He did well. He put the needle in a little too slowly which is understandable if you've never stuck a needle in somebody's arse before. I know this is something he would prefer not to be doing so I'm proud of him for taking it on because it makes my life easier. By tomorrow he will be a pro and by Tuesday he should be pretty cocky with his new found skill. He said the shot action was similar to using a nail gun!!! Thank you! The fert report this morning seems like it was good. I'm a little unsure if we will have any to freeze but we should have a good selection to transfer. (1) did not divide, (2) 3 cell, (8) 4 cell and (3) 5 cell. 2 have lots of fragmentation; 5 look pretty clean and the rest are minimally fragmented. If you have experience in these matters I would be very grateful for some feedback. I read so many wonderful blogs and, as you all do, I really get caught up in peoples stories. I feel so grateful that things are going well for me and while I am realistic that it could all go perfectly and still not work, I am operating in NBHHY mode. I am saddened when things don't go as planned for my some of my favorite bloggers but am hopeful for them that somehow things will work out alright.

Quick Check!

Of the 17 eggs, 14 were mature, all 14 are showing signs of fertilization. Tune in tomorrow for the next installment.

Reporting in!

Thank you so much to everybody who stopped by with words of good wishes and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. I am plonked on the couch feeling pretty bloated and a little sore. Before the procedure, Dr Ding-Dong popped in and I predicted that he would retrieve between 10 and 15 eggs. He predicted he would get 18! Guess what, he got 17. I am thrilled. Last time we only had seven. We had 6 embryo's, 4 were transferred and the other 2 did not make it. Of course now I have a new worry- I hope we get a good number of fertilized eggs. I'm also worried because everything is going so well and I know I will be devastated if it does not work. I'm a bit too groggy to contemplate anymore then that right now. The drugs really knock me for six and I feel like I've been punched in the ovaries. I start PIO shots tomorrow. My friend M is coming over to show B how to give the shots. I think he's a bit nervous. My E2 yesterday was 3170 .

Just let me go to sleep......

I love going to bed early. A good night for me is getting in to bed at 9, reading until 9:30 or 10 and then sleep until 6:30. Tonight I trigger at 11:30. I also have to get up at 6 for a work meeting. Typical. So here I am, it's 11:02 and the clock is sloooooooooowwwwwwwlllllyyyyyyy making it' s way toward 11:30. I've got everything ready to go. Shot at 11:30. Bed at 11:31. Did I tell you I love going to bed? Stats for today! E2-2767 Rt ovary- 21, 16, 14.5, 20, 20.5, 17, 14.5, 18.5 Lt ovary- 21, 16.5, 15, 18, 17.5, 15.5, 16 My retrieval is scheduled for Friday 13th. Have I mentioned that 20 times yet?In case I don't get to post again please pop over here to wish this lovely lady a happy birthday. Not only is her birthday on Friday the 13th but she was born on Friday the 13th. I'm excited to be busy over the next few days, doing something about getting pregnant. The moaning and complaining should start on day 2 of bedrest so tune in next Tuesday. I'm also nervous about my first PIO shot on Saturday.

Sling me up!

On my first IVF my ovaries felt like they were going to pop and I wished I had a sling to hold them up. Walking was uncomfortable because they would jiggle (along with the excess pounds of belly fat!) A few months ago I was turned on to these and they have been a godsend during this second cycle. I call them my sling therapy. They hold everything in and while I still feel bloated, it is a contained bloatedness. Dr Ding-Dong is going to put me to work soon as he'll think I'm a staff member at the clinic I've been there so often. I'm going back tomorow as well. Today went well. I'm simmering nicely. Retrieval still on for Friday 13th.

E2- 1822

Lining- 16mm

Rt Ovary

18

17.5

15.5

15

17

16.5

14

11

Lt Ovary

17.5

14.5

14.5

12.

15.5

13.5

13

I hope and pray that these follicles produce the goods on Friday.

I am so happy at this moment in time!

I hope I stay that way. Things are going really well. Really, really well. In fact they are going so well that it could all go to shit at any moment. You see while I was reading all the wonderful blogs thinking I really must post or I'll be so behind and then documenting figures will be such an insurmountable task that I won't do it and then I'll be sorry blah, blah, blah....., I came across this. You see I was really worried about my worry and my anxiety. I can't get rid of them, they are always there. Even now, when I am so happy, I'm still worried and anxious. Yesterday morning, I had such a strong feeling of anxiety in my chest, I thought it would explode. I can't make it go away no matter what I do. I was so worried that it would effect the outcome. Now I'm just going to worry that this might not work but I'm not going to worry that my worrying will affect the outcome. Yeah! For posterity I will post all my stats from my last two doctors appointments. Saturday January 7th E2-375 Rt Ovary-#6 14, 121/2, 13x10, 121/2,, 10/11 Lt Ovary- #6 13, 131/2, 12x9, 11x10, 10x9,10 Monday January 9th E2-953 Lining- 16mm RT Ovary # 9- 17x16, 11x11, 13x12, 19x16, 17x15, 16x14, 13x12, 12x11, 12x12 LtOvary-#5- 15x12, 12x12, 15x14, 17x10, 14x13 Seems like I gained a few in my right ovary and lost one in my left but that's ok. My numbers look good. I'm still on for a Friday 13th retrieval. I go back in for one more check tomorrow. Trigger on Wednesday. See what I mean, it all looks good so it could go to shit in a handbasket in 2 seconds flat.

This is my Life!

I saw this here and thought it would be fun. Seemingly I did very well in the love department! as did P.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.3
Mind:	6.8
Body:	7.7
Spirit:	5.6
Friends/Family:	6.5
Love:	9.1
Finance:	6.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Cycle Day 5

Rt Ovary-6 follicles 9x9, 8x7, 10x8, 7x7,8x7,8x8 Lt Ovary-6 follicles 7x6, 8x7, 9x9, 8x8, 7x7, 6x6 I tried to think of a title for this post, but frankly, I'm too tired. This morning I couldn't understand why I was still so exhausted (lupron exhausted) as I dragged myself to Dr Ding-Dongs office for a meeting with the dildo cam. I am thrilled with my response so far. Six follicles in each ovary, all fairly uniform in size. My first IVF yielded similar numbers but some of the follicles were much bigger than the others. Dr Ding-Dong told me to continue same dose of stims Thursday and Friday and then cut Gonal F and increase Menopur on Saturday. He said come back Monday for next appt. I think he saw the disappointment in my face. Monday is 4 whole days away. I responded so quickly last time and ended up having retrieval earlier than expected and then only got seven eggs despite 12 visible follicles, maybe because they were not mature. Anyway, he left and then came back and said he would be there Saturday morning if I wanted to come in. I took him up on the offer. That makes me so much happier. My favorite nurse, (I'll call her Nurse M. for now) called me with my lab results. E2-103. My God! No wonder I'm exhausted, I'm still verging on the lupron low. She said in light of this result, Dr Ding-Dong said I could wait until Monday to come in but that he would be glad to see me if I still wanted to come in. I'm going in. Four days is too long to go without the dildo cam!!!!! Seriously, I'd prefer to err on the side of over-monitoring. I know he is trying to save me some money but this is worth my piece of mind. Nurse M said "I'd do the same if it was me". It looks like my retrieval will be Friday the 13th. I hope it is. I'm not superstitious but I would take that as a good omen- Hey, I'll take anything as a good omen. Right now, I'm off to bed. I can feel my ovaries for the first time tonight. It's just an awareness that they are working hard, kind of a heavy feeling with the odd twinge. Tomorrow I'm hoping to wake up to that estrogen high you get before your ovaries become so heavy you need a sling to hold them up. More on my sling therapy over the weekend.

Suppression. Check.

We have suppression. E2 = < 20 P4 = 0.43 I have 6 antral follicles on the right ovary and 4.5 on the left. (How do you have 4.5 follicles?) Dr Ding-Dong is pleased. He asked me how I was doing on the lupron and I said that it was ok so far, just a mild headache. Of course that question jinxed me because now I am nauseous and I have bad period cramps. Oh well, I’m pumping up the estrogen levels from now on so I should be feeling better. Dr Ding-Dong and I were having a little giggle about the fact that I would be cleaning the house at top speed in a couple of days and B said “that’ll make a change”. Cheek! Tonight I cut my lupron back to 0.25mgs and add Gonal F 300 iu and Menopur 75 iu to my cocktail. Today I am feeling a little down because of my friend’s bad news last night and this. Think of them all today and send your version of prayers and good thoughts their way.

A kick in the stomach!

I have a good friend who has been going through this struggle with infertility for three years. Five IVF's later he and his wife got pregnant for the first time. They found out at Thanksgiving. I was so exited for them. They will be the best parents. Tonight I received this e-mail from him. "There's no easy way to say this but D and I went for our 10 week ultrasound Thursday and there was no fetal heartbeat. The last several ultrasounds showed a normal heartbeat, so you can imagine the devasation we felt. She needed a D and C Friday." What do you say to these poor people. I am crying and my pain is only a fraction of what they must be feeling. Why is life so fucking unfair.

The Wait is Over and Recap

Yes! It is officially cycle day 1. I woke up this morning to my new year gift from AF. We went to bed before midnight. We had a small celebration at 4pm which was midnight GMT, called my parents and toasted the new year with some champagne. We had take-out Indian food and played Blokus and backgammon like the boring old married couple we are. We could have gone to a couple of parties and I think B might have liked to; but I just couldn't be bothered. I feel fat already and I haven't even started stims yet. I'm hoping that CD 1 on 1/1 is a good omen for me. I'm not superstitious but I need a little good karma right now. I am so excited at moving forward it seems a little redundant to look back, however, not knowing how long this journey will take, I may be glad this time next year that I did recap. I knew long before the beginning of 2005 that we would have trouble conceiving. I made some half-hearted efforts in 2001 to investigate why we weren't getting pregnant but we weren't actively trying so I wasn't that worried. My lab results were all normal, my Ob-Gyn commented that my uterine lining seemed a bit thick for where I was in my cycle(my first experience with the dildo-cam) but that was it. I did nothing until 2004 when my PCP drew some blood which was mostly normal except for a low P4 on cycle day 21. She sent me for a HSG which showed a blocked left Fallopian tube, in fact the whole left corner of my uterus was blocked. B also had a low sperm count. I had an IUI in August 2004 with my Ob-Gyn. That failed and I couldn't do another cycle immediately after because I had a cyst on my ovary. In March of 2005. I went to see my RE Dr. Ding-Dong . He has got several of my friends pregnant!!!!!!!! I love him. He took one look at my HSG films and said he had never seen anything like it (not something you want your RE to say) He clarified that he just thought it should be repeated because he did not think my tube was blocked and he could not explain the missing corner of my uterus. He sent me for another HSG (oh joy). This time it was completely normal except for I had huge polyps in my uterine lining but both my tubes were clear. That lead to this and here we are. I didn't really have much in the way of maternal instincts until fairly recently. B really wanted kids and I didn't actively not want them. Now I find it hard to look at other children because my heart aches that I may never have one of my own. Things have always come easily to me. Maybe I need the journey to motherhood to be this difficult to make me realize how much I really want it. Now I know I really, really want it.