Is anybody there?

I can't believe my last post was almost 4 years ago. Where does the time go. L is 5 and in kindergarten. There will be no siblings. I'm sad for him but ok with it for me.

Testing

I got a big, long anonymous comment full of religious shite today. It was back on a post from early 2006. It took me a while to find the comment (I got notification by email). As I was reading back through my posts and the comments from all the bloggers who supported me during my trials, I felt so sad that I'm not in contact anymore- at least not very much. I want you all to know (if you ever read this) that I think about many of you a lot and I'm still following your stories. I'd link but I need lessons at this stage and it's time for bed. I'll leave you with this and try and post again soon.

One year ago today.....

.....this little angel was conceived via IVF with ICSI. This day last year he was a little speck in a petri dish. What a difference a year makes. Little L is a joy. He is such a happy baby and I live for his smiles. Being back at work is kicking my arse right now. I am so tired and it is so busy and I already feel the guilt of being away. It is a constant struggle to get out the door in the evenings to get home- not because I don't want to but because there is so much to do. I am learning to set new boundries but it is hard. I'll get there because I have to. Pray for me- I need it!!!!!!!!

My little man is sleeping in his swing right now. I could sit and watch him all day. I have 298 posts to read via my blogfeed- I am so behind. I hope to catch up with you all soon.

Goodbye 2006

I began 2006 about 2 weeks into my second IVF cycle. My friend M reminded me that on Christmas Day 2005, after way one too many drinks, I was crying my eyes out because I couldn't get pregnant. B had already gone to bed because I was being impossible. I look back and think- no wonder lupron and alcohol!!! The horror! L was conceived on Friday January 13th, 2006. I remember it was also this girl's birthday. I hoped that would bring me luck and it did. I wish I could send that same luck back to her but I can't. Along with my good fortune, came good news for other bloggers whose lives I had been following. Of course as it goes with infertility there was an abundance of heartbreak. The unfairness of life in this particular branch of the blogosphere is like a raw open wound. Here's hoping that 2007 will bring good news.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog to post about L and maintaining this blog for dealing with infertility. I turn 39 in 24 days. A sibling for L probably means another round or 5 of IVF. It's hard to imagine with male factor, that we will get pregnant the old fashioned way. The plan is for us to try naturally once my period returns. I plan to breastfeed for about 6 months but will be supplementing with formula when I return to work as I don't think I'll pump enough for the little hunger we call L. I'll post more about this later.

For now, I wish you all the best for 2007. For those of you in the trenches, I hope this year brings all your hearts desires.

I'll leave you with a picture of my little treasure who is growing before my eyes.

Age 11 weeks

Age 12 weeks- A shout for his Dad- he really perfers, Ireland!!!!!!!

Age 13 weeks. He doesn't live on this cushion, I swear. It's just he looks so cute when he is on it!

4 Weeks

Where has the time gone? L is 4 weeks old today. He is a darling baby who has a little problem with gas pain but other then that he rarely cries (except for hunger and poopy diaper- he will.not.tolerate a poopy diaper for one minute) He is easy to comfort and I am madly in love with him. Today for his 4 week birthday- he smiled at me and my heart soared. Who knew he would have this effect on me. Yesterday he saw his pediatrician- all was good. He weighed 9 lbs and measured 21 inches. He is growing before our eyes. Is it hard?- fuck yeah! Lack of sleep is killing me. My parents left on Sunday and I cried my eyes out. 6000 miles is so far away. Now we are getting into our routine as a little family. B is in school 4 days a week so I am on my own. So far I am coping ok. My pelvic floor feels like it is about to fall out. I'm doing my kegels and can't wait to start exercising- the doc says I have to wait for 2 more weeks. I'm walking daily but I'm dying for more. I still owe you a birth story- mine is very tame but I will post it soon. I will leave you today with some photos of the little man and one of me looking just wrecked!!!!!!

Things never happen as you plan them............

Sometimes they are much better. My waters broke at 10 pm on Tuesday night. I delivered Liam at 3:49 pm on Wednesday September 27th, 2006. It was a wonderful, joyous experience from start to finish. I will post the birth story later. For now, here are some pictures. Thank you all for your good wishes and support. I couldn't have made this journey without you. At risk of outing myself. I'll give you some details. I'll probably take them down in a few days.

Baby L.

Wednesday September 27th, 2006 at 15:49

7lbs 8oz

20 inches

38 weeks!

Warning: At risk of sounding like an ungrateful bitch- this post contains copious whining. You all know I wouldn't change this situation for the world but I am oh.so.cranky. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to lie down and read a book or surf the net but my house is like a bomb hit it and so I feel guilty because I should be putting things away but I'm overwhelmed because I don't know where to start. B is at school and he has been working so hard and still has waited on me hand and foot and I really should have dinner ready for him when he gets home tonight but the thought of cooking dinner is overwhelming. If tidying the kitchen and cooking dinner is overwhelming then how am I going to manage being the mother of an infant, which is something I still can't get my head around and at the same time I wish he would come out already because I am so big and I can't beathe and my cervix is nowhere to be found and there are still no beds at the hospital and my pubic bones hurt and my heel hurts and I can't sleep and my arms go numb and everybody thinks it funny because I'm a control freak who has no control and I want to tell them all to fuck off! Thursday can't come soon enough!!

37 Weeks.

L is now full term and can come at any time. However, he seems to be totally comfortable in his Mammy's tummy despite the fact that she can't sleep and prowls the house at night. His Mammy also has a cervix that is completely closed so it doesn't look like anything is going to happen here anytime soon. My 37 week check went well. My blood pressure is good. I do not have a UTI. Beta strep negative. The hospital where I am supposed to deliver is full and they are diverting labor and delivery patients to the hospital where Brit*ney delivered. Aaaaaaggghh. Maybe I'm glad my cervix is still closed. Perhaps I should cross my legs as well, just in case. In reality, my doctor is not on staff at that hospital so I won't be going there but to another hospital across town which in Los Angeles terms means the other end of the universe depending on the time of day. I am not going to get upset yet because this crisis will hopefully have passed by the time anything happens in my nether regions. I do.not.want.to.go.to.the.other.hospital. The hospital where I am scheduled to deliver is one where I have worked since 1995 although I don't work there now, I still have ties there. It is an excellent hospital with great nurses and doctors. I know who my anaesthesiologist will be if I have a c-section in Sept 28th- I know he's great. I know who I don't want as my anaesthesiologist if I go into labor before the 28th and I have a couple who will come in for me. My friends who are great nurses will take care of me. If I go to the other hospital- I know no-one and the nurses have a bad reputation in general. As I said though, I'm not freaking out...........yet! I'd prefer to deliver in the car park of my chosen hospital than the VIP suite of the other one. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. In the meantime, me and my fat ankles are just hanging out at home, working part-time and waiting for the nesting instinct to hit. B wishes it would hit too. I'm a lazy slob!!! I'm still having mild cramping in the evening. So far it has amounted to nought. Have a great weekend!

36 weeks and 3 days

I know, I know- I spoil you guys, two posts in two days!!!!! I want to write down every little twitch so I can look back and remember. Still no results on my urine culture, still no symptoms. I'm working part-time 18 hours a week- This seems more stressful than full-time because I'm trying to cram 50 hours of work into 18 hours- I need to let it go. Last night and tonight I have what I would describe as mild to moderate period cramps. Does that mean something is happening with my cervix? The little man is like a bloody jumping bean- so much for not having room to move around at this stage. He's done the Mexican wave at least three times an hour this evening. Whenever I think- oh my, he's not moving much and I settle down to do some kick counts- it takes about 10 minutes to get to 10. Whatever game he's watching his team are winning!!

36 Weeks & 2 Days

I suppose a little update is in order. I really am just a lazy slob. B has decided I will need reorientation to the kitchen soon so that I will someday be able to prepare another meal or load the dishwasher. A few weeks ago, I asked you to guess the baby's name- It begins with L. Quite a few of you guessed right. Liam. I think for now I will refer to him as L. Maybe after he arrives I can give him a blog name. We'll see. At my 36 week appointment, my cervix was closed and firm. My urine was pretty smelly though- Yuck. I have no symptoms though. Dr Y. sent a sample for culture- should be back tomorrow. She gave me a Rx for an antibiotic in case I became symptomatic over the weekend which I have not. My urine seems to have cleared up a little but we'll see what the culture shows. Dr Y says it is hard to measure his weight because ultrasound uses head circumference and femur length and L has a big head (like his father) and short legs (like his mother). I thought "great- that sounds attractive". The measurements show he weighs about 7.5 lbs. Yikes!! She says I don't have a particularly wide passageway for delivery-not a lot of space in there. That makes me so proud!! I am by no means a small girl on the outside but on the inside-small. HeHe. My friends have all been amazed that control freak Portlairge has not reared her ugly head too often in this pregnancy- They don't understand what infertility can do. For me in a way it was a good thing (I don't recommend it as a therapy for control freaks though) because I couldn't control it and had to learn to be more accepting-to roll with the punches as it were. I controlled what I could and tried to go with the flow. Here I am less than 4 weeks from my due date and the nursery is no where near ready because of delays beyond our control in readying B's new office- the electrician didn't show up twice, we are both working full time and now B is in school full time and I can barely move. The joke is L can sleep in a drawer when he arrives!!!!!!!! In truth, he will sleep in his bassinet thingy in our room which would happen even if he had a nursery. It has a changing table and I have a recliner/rocker to sit in to feed him. What more do I need? So........ what can I control? Hmmmmmmmmm. I may go into labor at anytime so I can't control that so, what to do, what to do. I know, how about the fact that I am done being pregnant. I don't want to go over 39 weeks. There is no issue about my dates being wrong. L was conceived in a petri dish on January 13th 2006. I will be 39 weeks pregnant on September 29th so I've scheduled an elective c-section for September 28th 2006 at 12:30pm. If I go into labor before that, so be it but if I don't go into labor by then, he's coming out anyway. So now, I just sit back and wait. Strangely enough this decision has left me quite relaxed. I'm not scared of labor, I'm not scared of surgery. I'm expecting to feel nauseous from the medication with some vomiting thrown in, have low blood pressure, a jaundiced baby who won't latch and has colic for six months. I'm not trying to be glib. There are so many things that could go horribly wrong and I can't think about that. Then there are the things that aren't necessarily complications but could make life difficult for a while and that's what I am preparing for. I have no preconceived notions of the joys of motherhood but I do want to get this show on the road. God, I have rambled on, haven't I? I have written this post to try and clarify my thoughts. I feel happy about this decision- it works for me and my family- it is not intended to open a discussion on whether I am right or wrong. There are pros and cons to every birth method. I would love your comments regarding what you did and what worked, what didn't work and whether you regretted your decision afterwards. If anyone wants to ask questions- I will gladly answer. If you want to judge me for my decision, don't bother, just leave now.

Goodbye Doppler

I was having a much needed little tidy up today and I came across my doppler. Who knew when I rented it back in February that I would actually go a day without using it!!!!!!!! L. is moving around all the time now and I can do kick counts if I get worried so I’m sending the dear little doppler back to whence it came. It was a lifesaver in those early days. It put my mind at ease so much.

Goodbye sweet Doppler

30 weeks and other stuff

I am 30 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Can you believe it? I think we might actually be having a real live baby. This is not something I’m prepared for but now that he has reached the stage of viability; my denial is not working so well. We’ve picked a name so Alf is now L. I’ll see if you can guess his name. Answers on a postcard please; to the comments section. Today we bought a crib and changing table/dresser. My parents have sent money for this stroller. My question is, am I nuts to spend this much money on a stroller? I’d love to hear from you on this subject. I do a lot of walking and some light running- very light and very slow. We go to the park to walk the dogs- (now dog) and we don’t stick to the paths. I feel this one will save me buying a jogger as well. If you have experience with this matter, I’d love to hear from you. I’m feeling very big. I’ve put on about 24 lbs. I’m seeing the doc tomorrow so I’ll report in with any additional figures. This last week, the heartburn has kicked in with a vengeance. I don’t feel like eating much- which is very unusual for me. I do graze but this is a bad thing because I don’t make the best choices when I’m grazing. Anyone for ginger lemon snaps? I passed my glucose tolerance test by the skin of my teeth- 133 so I’m trying to steer clear of sweet stuff, but it’s hard when that’s all I want to eat. In other complaints, my pubic bones hurt when I walk. I know this is because of my ligaments stretching but can I just say…… OUCH! Believe me I would not change this for anything. I’m just filling you in on my symptoms. I am also carrying a BIG baby. Every time I see the doctor she says “my, my! He’s a big boy”. YIKES!! She says that big babies run in families and that IVF babies tend to be bigger. It is not known if it is the actual IVF process that makes them bigger or the fact that women who undergo IVF tend to be a little more in the know about the whole pregnancy thing and so tend to know more about pre-natal nutrition and are probably more diligent about taking their vitamins. Just to add fuel to the big baby fire, B’s older sister told me he weighed over 10 lbs when he was born. Have I said YIKES!? For those of you familiar with rugby, I think I am growing a prop (they tend to be big boys -that’s 125 kilos which is 275.575 lbs) and he spends his time practicing the Haka. As for my darling Paddy, my heart is broken. Thank you for all your kind and heartfelt condolences. They mean a lot. I still can’t think about him without crying. I had him for thirteen years- most of my life in America. We had been talking about the fact that he was starting to fail and how much longer he could go on. He was physically a very strong dog so I knew we would have to get him put to sleep. He could have lingered and suffered otherwise. It was hard to decide when to do it because even though his back legs were weak- he still went swimming every day (he jumped in the pool the day before he died) and he still interacted with us and he had no pain. In the end he made the decision for us by getting a very aggressive subcutaneous lymphoma which the vet said would kill him in a month. We took him home for his last few days and then brought him back to the vets to be put to sleep. We were with him at the end and it was over very quickly. We will get his ashes back this week and we will keep them in an urn. I want him to be buried with me. I’ve told my whole family not to tell the priest and to smuggle him in the coffin- just in case there is an issue. You never know with the cath*lic chu*ch. I know he will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. We still have Angus our Jack Russell. He is very sweet and a big comfort to us, even though he doesn’t miss Paddy in the slightest. He only tolerated him because Paddy was here first. Here he is modeling a hat he knitted for his new baby brother!!

Goodbye Paddy.

Paddy

June 22, 1993-July 21st, 2006

Words cannnot express how devastated I am right now. He was my first baby and has been with me for 13 of the 14 1/2 years I have lived in the States.

Am I missing something here?

See this story. You may have to register for a free subscription so I've quoted a bit below Parents of birth date error baby may take legal action - Irish Independent: "On the first day of the inquest in December last year, midwife Winifred Berkley told the court that following an ultrasound scan in February 2003 she had inadvertently written a due date of July 13 on Mrs Darcy Lampf's file when it should have read August 16. Mrs Darcy Lampf noticed the mistake and, when she returned to the hospital the following month for a routine check-up, alerted the doctor to the mistake. She was reassured that staff realised her true due date was in August and not July. Mrs Darcy Lampf had delivered her first two children by caesarean section so doctors decided that she would do the same again with Jessica. On her next check-up she again told the midwife that an error had been made in her file but was told 'not to worry'. However, when she next attended the hospital in June a doctor told her she was 37 weeks rather than the expected 32 weeks pregnant and would now deliver in July. When she came in for her final check-up a week later, she was told by consultant obstetrician Dr Seosaimh O Coigligh that she was now 38 weeks pregnant and would undergo the caesarean on July 8. It was only when doctors delivered the 5.5lb baby that they realised their error. " Helllllllloooooooooo!! If you knew they were making a mistake, why would you consent to the surgery. Even, if the consultants in Ireland act like God for the most part. I mean did his woman get brow beaten into surgery? Her child died which must be agonizing for her and her husband and it may be that something else was wrong because I'm sure at 32 weeks, most infants will survive but, why did she consent to the surgery?

You constantly amaze me!!

Have I won the award for the worst blogger in the world yet? Coz I'm trying really, really hard but you wonderful people won't let me- believe me I am grateful. I have been around. Lurking without commenting. There are two reasons for this 1. Work is very very busy- I lurk quickly during the day to keep in touch with what is going on but I do not have time to post 2. I spend a lot of time on the computer and so I am trying to build balance into my life by not turning the computer on when I get home. Of course now, I've waited so long it's like starting all over. Forgive me when I don't mention names but I want to thank all of you who have kept in touch and e-mailed me despite my lack of response. I don't deserve blog friends like you. It is hard to be happy when I read about all the sadness, I am happy but I also feel guilty. I know this is normal and I should just post what I want but it is a bit scary. I am going to try and see what happens. For all the sadness, there is good news too and I really am hoping for more good news soon. My pregnancy: Wow- On Friday, I will be halfway there. It is so hard to believe. Last week I felt a few little rumblings and today there have been a few knocks in my belly that are definitely not gas so finally little Alf is making his presence known to his Mammy. More on the name thing later. I feel pretty good right now. I now have kankles- all right they're not that bad yet but they have potential!! My blood pressure remains on the low side which is good and I think I look more like 24 weeks rather than 20. My boobs look enormous but when I went to get measured for new bras my cup size was unchanged but the back size went up. So I went from a 40c to a 42c but my boobs look like a DD. I think I have a wierd body. Other stuff: Vivian tagged me about ten years ago to do the six wierd things about me thingy and I will try to do that soon. It involves a lot of thinking about how wierd I am!! I will leave you now but not for long.

Maybe it's really going to happen.....

I hope I didn't jinx myself with that title. I still don't feel pregnant. It is hard to believe there is life inside me, despite the ultrasounds, despite seeing the baby move, despite the fact that I caved and rented a doppler so I can hear the little heartbeat everyday. I think perhaps I'm scared to believe even though, as I get past every milestone and test it seems more likely, attaching myself to that little being is the final step to admitting that I really do believe it's going to happen. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid it will be taken away from me. I can't say that I've wanted a baby all my life, my maternal instinct only kicked in a few years ago, and even then it was limited. I don't like all baby's but I will love my own. My own baby will probably make me feel comfortable around other peoples babies. Does that sound wierd? I don't have many good friends with children here in the US. In Ireland I have several friends with children whom I love dearly but I only see them once a year. Maybe I'm afraid it will all be taken away because I haven't wanted it badly enough for long enough. There is such a mix of sadness and happiness in our community at all times. Sometimes the scales seem unbalanced one way or the other. I was devastated by the news over at Julianna's place. How unfair is that. Then there is the great news over at the Buttmansion household and I think, YEAH, that is so fair. It's the way it should be. There are so many people still waiting and they have been waiting so long- and that is not fair. Then there are all the people starting out and I hope all the time that the journey from this point will be easy for them to bear. There are so many wonderful people and I can't mention you all here. Thank you for e-mailing me demanding updates. Thank you for caring. I think of you all a lot even though I haven't been around. I am 13 weeks and 2 days today. I have had CVS, which wasn't so bad, slightly more uncomfortable than a PAP smear. The doctor was amazing, he talked all the way through it explaining what he was doing and at the end I gave him some advice for his bum knee. While the tech was doing the US to take measurements, Alf was lying there serenely. I asked her if at this stage we should be seeing movement. She said "oh yes" and jiggled the probe up and down on my stomach and Alf started moving arms and legs. B and I both had tears in our eyes. It was the first time we'd seen our baby move. When the doctor was putting in the probe I could see it on the screen and Alf was doing indignant somersaults nearby. I could almost hear the cries of "hey, get out of my space dude" Four days later we got the preliminary report which is 98 % final. I still can't think of a good name for my OB. She is so wonderful. She left a message at home (B couldn't get to the phone on time) and on my cell (I forgot to take it off silent after a meeting) and I missed both saying, congratulations, everything is fine with your CVS results. Of course she didn't say if it was a boy or girl because she wasn't sure if we wanted to know. Her office was closed so I paged her (it was only 6:30 pm) and the darling lady called me back immediately. She said congratulations again and I'm shouting, what is it, what is it? We're having............. a little boy! I'm so excited. We didn't care one way or the other but we were convinced it was a girl so we were a little shocked. A baby boy with no genetic abnormalities but don't think I'm done worrying yet. I'm waiting for my Cystic Fibrosis screening to come back and then there is the structural US at 18-20 weeks. For now I have a little pooch (I always have a pooch so little is a misnomer- I have a bigger pooch than I used t0 have) and I'm at that annoying stage where my regular clothes are way too tight and I look like an imposter in maternity clothes. I have yet to find a happy medium- By the time I do I will probably need maternity clothes. That's it for now folks. I hope to spend some time later today catching up on all of your news. Have a happy Sunday.

I'm back

I'm so sorry to have been away for so long. I just looked back and it is almost a month since I posted and still you haven't forgotton me. Kellie, Katie, Boliath, Feebee, Jenny, KellieandKids, Vivean ,Kath and Michelle all came over to ask for an update and to check in. Thank you all. I went for my final appointment with Dr Ding Dong all happy and confident only to find that Betty's heart had stopped. What a blow! Alf was doing great and truly I was very happy and relieved that was the case but I couldn't help but cry for Betty. Once you have seen and heard that heartbeat it is real and when it stops, it's hearbreaking, yet I am so grateful that Alf seems to be thriving. So, I had a good cry, in fact I had several good crys over the period of a few days and mourned Betty's demise and then went on with the agonizing wait for my first OB appointment. In the meantime, my Mother came to stay and she came to that appointment with me. My blood pressure was high so my OB(I'm still trying to think of a good name for her) thought we might need a 24h urine collection. I checked my BP at home for a week and it was fine. When she saw the numbers today, she thought maybe she had scared me on that first visit(she didn't -I love her) This morning it was a litle high when I checked it at work. I do tend to stress myself out about work which is a concern so I'm going to have to learn to take it easy and realize I can't do it all. I am 11 weeks today. Alf measured 11 weeks and 3 days. Monday, I have genetic counselling while B has surgery on his knee, then on Thursday I go for CVS. I am happy today because I saw Alf's heart beat and in less then a couple of weeks we will know our baby's sex. I think it's a girl but I don't care one way or the other. My friend M. who "gets feelings" about things looked at me today and said "you're having a boy" so we'll have to wait and see. I'm sorry this post is all over the place, that's what happens when you don't post for a month. I'll try and be good and keep my posts regular and coherent in future. Thank you again for your concern and good wishes. Happy St Patricks Day to you all. In Ireland we call it Paddy's Day not Patty's Day. Paddy comes from the Irish for Patrick which is Padraig. Patty is short for Patricia. Stay away from the green beer!

The good and the unbelievable

Firstly I want to thank you all for your comments and advice. It truly made me feel so comforted to receive all your good wishes. By this morning the spotting was less. I went to see Dr Ding-Dong. I joked when I saw him that did he really expect to get rid of me for two whole weeks. He smiled and said that he didn't really think I'd stay away that long. When I saw the first image my heart almost stopped because I could see the yolk sac but I couldn't see the little flicker of the heart beat. Then all of a sudden there it was flashing away. Dr Ding-Dong turned up the volume and the sound of heart beat filled the room. He said it measured about 7 weeks and 2 days. I am 7 weeks and 3 days so I'm happy with that. There was no sign of any bleeding. Then he checked the second sac which was still quite a bit smaller then the first one and there right before my eyes..... was a second heartbeat. Holy crap. I hadn't even thought of that. Last week that second sac didn't even seem to have a yolk sac. Now it has a heart beat. Dr Ding-Dong cautioned me that it was early days and it was quite a bit smaller but he measured the heartbeat at 126 and the baby measured 6 weeks and 6 days so it is not really too far behind the other one. I'm pretty gobsmacked right now. I'm also scared- both that we will have two babies and that maybe we won't. B has named the babies Alf and Betty for Alpha and Beta. I go back in on Monday for another scan. If all is well Dr Ding Dong is kicking me out to see my Ob-Gyn. A lot of our friends know we are pregnant but we're keeping it quiet about the twins TWINS!!! for now, at least until next weeks U/S.

It was all going a little too smoothly.

So, I haven't been posting for a few reasons. 1. I love reading all the other blogs. You ladies and gentlemen of infertility bloglandia are fascinating. 2. I don't really know what to write about. 3. I go to bed at 8pm because I'm so tired. I have all the normal pregnancy symptoms, morning and evening sickenss sans vomiting, extreme fatigue, huge boobies etc etc but it seems kind of boring to write about that. I just don't have the ability that some people do to make it funny or interesting. My body, trying to help with my lack of posting decided to give me something to write about. Last night I started some brown spotting/flow. Help me out here ladies because I have difficulty with the definition. Spotting is pretty easy- You have spots on your knickers, but flow.......when does spotting become flow? What is the definition? I am sailing in murky waters and believe me it is murky down there. I have spotting but when I wipe there is quite liquidy brown stuff on the TP. Isn't that flow? I need a second opinion- someone who can hang out in my bathroom so I can do a quick consultation. I would love to hear your experiences,advice, even assvice about your friends, sisters sister-in laws cousin twice removed who had exactly the same thing and went on to deliver twins even though all along she was only expecting a singleton. In this case it will make me feel better. I did call the clinic this morning and they had be come in for a P4 level. It is above 40 (they won't have a more exact number today) which the nurse says is perfect. I have been off the PIO for 10 days and am on vaginal supps twice a day. Tomorrow I see Dr Ding-Dong for an U/S just to put my mind at rest. The nurse said she is not at all worried but she knows I won't be at ease until I get an U/S. She feels that maybe the second gestational sac that is non viable is causing this. They are so nice at my clinic. They get it. In my heart I feel that everythig is ok for now but my mind is working overtime with all the what if's. I have some very mild cramping and I'm scared. I'm glad I only have to wait until tomorrow to check that everything is ok.

Ultrasound Results

I am so sorry for not posting. We had our ultrasound on Friday morning and then went out of town for the weekend and I had no computer access. We saw and heard our baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks exactly. There is a second gestational sac but it is much smaller and there does not seem to be a yolk sac. Dr Ding-Dong said there was a tiny possibility it might be viable but it is unlikely. We are so happy. B finally believes I am pregnant. Of course now I'm back in the waiting period again for my next u/s in two weeks. I have to rush off now because work beckons. Before I go I want to say a big thank you to all my friends in blogland for your support, even though some of you are going through difficult and trying times. I'll post more on this later. I just want you to know that I think about you every day.

OK, If you insist......

You know you've been a bad blogger when your blogfriends have to leave comments on your last post demanding an update. I've been spending my time reading everyone else's blogs. I feel that I just don't have much to write and I am in utter disbelief that I might actually be pregnant. I never thought I would ever say those words. I am so worried that this might be taken away from me at any moment. I was supposed to go back in this Friday for my second beta- a whole bloody week. Of course by Monday I was tearing my hair out so I called up and begged for another beta which I had yesterday. It was 905 for a doubling time of 1.77 days. That made me happy for about 10 minutes. Ms Prufrock delicately commented "Now :::ahem::: "all" you have to do is wait 2 weeks for the ultrasound." She must think I'm impatient or something!!!! I am scheduled for my first U/S on February 10th , which is 6 weeks exactly and even my wiley charms won't procure one before that. The nurse kindly pointed out that I might not see a heart beat so I could wait until the following week if I wanted to give it a few extra days and I said fuck no, thank you very much but I'd rather come in on the 10th and take my chances. My focus is now on gestational sac and at the very least that is what I hope to see. Moving away from the numbers for a bit, I already have fatigue of the sort where I want to lie down in the middle of my meetings and have a nap and I have ever so slight nausea of the sort where eating makes it feel better. That in itself is rather worrying as I wouldn't call myself a little slip of a girl. In other news, my darling B is taking me away on a romantic weekend here. I'm excited to see the gorgeous rugby bodies the talented rugby players do their thing. I will be the only sober spectator I expect and, our friends are thrilled to have a designated driver, but I'm not complaining about that. I am disappointed that Eire are not playing. B is a Sasanach so he will be cheering for them of course.

The Beta is in

My RE normally schedules betas for 12dp3dt. My date for beta was Saturday January 28th. Yesterday morning I rushed out the door to a client appointment, when I got there, I thought "oh shit, I forgot to put on a new estrogen patch after I got out of the shower". After my meeting, I called the RE's office to let them know I was patchless as I was not going to be home until 9 pm last night. My favorite nurse called back and said that seeing as my E2 was 1200 on Monday, that it was ok to go without the patch until that evening. Then she said that she was disappointed thatI was having my beta on Saturday because she wouldn't be there. I told her to make sure and check my chart on Monday as I thought the news was going to be good. She immediately coped that I had been peeing on sticks like a crazy woman so she said you might as well come in tomorrow then and share the joy. So I went in today. They just called with my results. My beta is 190! E2 is 1921 P4 is 157 I still can't believe it. It seems so unreal. I don't have to go back for more bloodwork until next Friday and my ultrasound is in 2 weeks.

Before Manuela has a heart attack..........

That heading gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Like I am part of a huge family. Manuela wants an update and I dare not disobey. I got up at 5:30 am and poas. Negative! Went back to bed with my heart pounding and feeling very down. Then I realized it was a different test from the one I had used previously and I went in to check the instructions. It wasn't an early detection test- Does that matter? I really don't know, but in this case I guess it did. I went to the drugstore and bought some more of my trusty tests. B say they're the tests with the plus sign already on them!!!!!! I also bought a few more early tests of different brands. I wasn't able to test again until about 1:30pm with the trusted one and............. It was positive! Phew! I came home a while ago and B refused to believe that a plus is a plus.( He wants it to look like the plus sign on the box!!!!!!!!!!!!) Well, we know that's not going to happen. So for furthur studies I peed in a cup and dipped three different brands.(My habit is costing me a fortune). Two out of three were positive and one said the word "pregnant". So am I pregnant? I guess I won't really know the answer to that until I get the beta number on Saturday.

Happy Birthday to me!

Have I told you all how wonderful you are? That there is such a group of wonderful supportive people(who get it) just blows my mind. How I wish I had found you sooner. Thank you all for your kind words and advice and birthday wishes. I woke up this morning to all your comments and it really put a spring in my step. Then I peed on a stick. Yes I am one of the sad individuals who turns on her computer in the morning before she pees- for work purposes of course!! There was a very faint plus sign. I poas again when I came home from work.....another plus sign, this time a little darker but still faint. B maintains he can't see it but I know he can. He just doesn't want me to get too excited only to have my hopes dashed yet again. My blood results were good. E2-1200 and P4- 93. Nurse Hippie knew how worried I was about my numbers and has made an effort to be the one to call me on all three blood draw days. I think that is so nice of her. She reminded me that at this stage in my last cycle, my E2 and P4 has dropped to 46 and 8.5 respectively- a sure sign things had not worked out. I have changed my poas schedule because of these findings. B won't let me repeat my study tonight and I know it would be pointless so I will repeat tomorrow morning and probably again in the evening. I'm definitely happier then I was at this time yesterday but I am very realistic. There is so much that can go wrong but I can't help but be a little excited. NBHHY.

Can I have a little whine with that?

This is just a big old whine. I won't feel bad if you go away now and don't read any further. You won't find anything positive here. I feel totally and utterly paralyzed, unable to do anything except obsessively read blogs and sit on my arse until I know the outcome of this cycle. I hate waiting for anything. I know I'm not the first and I sure as hell won't be the last but JESUS, please make this next week go fast. My blood results last Friday were good. E2 was 1393 and P4 was 85. Do they mean anything? I really don't know at this stage but my obsession with numbers has not lessened. Tomorrow I go in for more blood draws. I'm really scared because at this stage in my last cycle, my levels dropped drastically. I don't remember what my E2 was but my P4 was only 7. The P4 won't drop this time because of PIO and I know my E2 will drop, but I'm not even sure what's acceptable. I POAS today. Negative. That was just to be sure the HCG had left my system from the trigger. I have 3 tests left. Monday(my birthday), Wednesday and Friday. Beta is on Saturday.

The Numbers Game

I started this post last night and didn't get it fininshed. It was written at a time when I was all happy and I let that bitch Hope poke her head around the door. Tuesday January 17th, 2006 Thank you all for your lovely comments. I know I've said it before but it really does mean a lot. I've noticed the general shock over my five embryo's and while I feel the support, I feel I want to explain the reasoning behind the transfer. I commented here and that should explain the theory surrounding the numbers. I am not trying to have a litter of babies. I know I am a relative newbie to this IVF lark in the big scheme of things but our problem is severe male factor and sometimes with ICSI while fertilization occurs, implantation and pregnancy rates are still a little lower. I turn 38 next week. I want a baby. I trust Dr Ding-Dong. B and I have discussed the issue of triplets. You know my Grandmother had triplets in 1936. They all died because they were born at 7 months in a freezing cold March in a house with no plumbing or heating. They died within the first week. My Grandmother went on to have one more child, my Dad, the last of 13. When I was younger my Dad used to tease me about having triplets and carrying on the tradition. He doesn't really understand this infertility stuff although he listens to it all when I ring home and my Mother isn't there and then he gets all the numbers wrong when he reports it back to her. Maybe I am tempting fate here, but I really don't think so. I laughed when Beagle noticed that I had mentioned the number 5 in my post the night before and we transferred 5 embryos. It's funny really, I'm not a big numbers person. Fate is always something you talk about after the fact. This cycle I'm obsessed with numbers. We did retrieval on Friday 13th and then we had 13 embryos on the day of transfer. Now the 5 thing that Beagle noticed and the fact that if this cycle is successful, I'll be able to tell my parents that my due date is on their 40th wedding anniversary. Wednesday January 18th, 2006 Well, that would just make it all too fucking perfect now, wouldn't it. That was Hope really getting me going. What was I thinking? Today the nurse callled with my E2(1297) P4(40). Pretty good, right where I want them to be. I enquired about my remaining 8 embryos and she went off to check with the Embryologist. He's giving them one more day but at this point it looks like he will not be freezing any of them. So of my 8 remaining embryos- there are none left. Does that mean the same thing will happen to my 5 embryos transfered on Monday. Fuck. This is what happened last time. Dr Ding-Dong thinks they did not make it to implantation because my E2 and P4 levels dropped drastically on my day 5 bloods. I'm going in for labs again on Friday and this time I'm on the PIO instead of suppositories. I start V*velle patch on Friday after blood draw. I know that everything is being done but that nagging doubt and fear has arrived and will probably not leave. I HATE THAT!

IVF # 2- Transfer

So I'm on the couch, already bored with bedrest. One more day to go. I did pass the first few hours reading lots and lots of blogs which I thoroughly enjoyed. Now I'm looking to cause trouble but can't find any to cause. B is watching me with an eagle eye. I will be good-I don't have a choice. Today they transferred 5; yes that would be 5 embryos. The doc asked me how many bedrooms we had!!!!! We had 2 perfect 8 cell embryos and then a 7, 6 and 5 cell with minimal fragmentation. They definitely won't have 8 to freeze. They may have none so I think the Dr Ding-Dong was going for it. My hopes are pinned on my 2 perfect embies. Surely at least one of them will burrow into my lining. I went to acupuncture after the transfer. Per protocol. I don't feel anxious right now. (I usually do). We've done our best. My friend just made a comment that my home town in Ireland is probably visible from space because my Mother has lit so many candles in so many churches. There are masses being said for B and I at several churches around the town EVERY DAY!!!!!! The priests must think we've commited some henious sin!!!!!! My Mother is so sweet. She's not praying for a grandchild. She is praying for something that she knows will make B and I happy.

PIO, P E E OH

I'll name that tune in 5! Come on now- sing along. Well, the first PIO shot wasn't bad. My best friend M gave it with B watching. He did a few shots into an orange for good measure. The talented M is a great shot giver and I didn't even feel the needle. I just felt some of the PIO itself going into my muscle towards the end of the shot. I heated the spot with my trusty hot water bottle and the area just feels like it is a little bruised today. Today it was B's turn to give the shot with M supervising. She drew a big circle in red marker on each hip so he will have a general target. He did well. He put the needle in a little too slowly which is understandable if you've never stuck a needle in somebody's arse before. I know this is something he would prefer not to be doing so I'm proud of him for taking it on because it makes my life easier. By tomorrow he will be a pro and by Tuesday he should be pretty cocky with his new found skill. He said the shot action was similar to using a nail gun!!! Thank you! The fert report this morning seems like it was good. I'm a little unsure if we will have any to freeze but we should have a good selection to transfer. (1) did not divide, (2) 3 cell, (8) 4 cell and (3) 5 cell. 2 have lots of fragmentation; 5 look pretty clean and the rest are minimally fragmented. If you have experience in these matters I would be very grateful for some feedback. I read so many wonderful blogs and, as you all do, I really get caught up in peoples stories. I feel so grateful that things are going well for me and while I am realistic that it could all go perfectly and still not work, I am operating in NBHHY mode. I am saddened when things don't go as planned for my some of my favorite bloggers but am hopeful for them that somehow things will work out alright.

Quick Check!

Of the 17 eggs, 14 were mature, all 14 are showing signs of fertilization. Tune in tomorrow for the next installment.

Reporting in!

Thank you so much to everybody who stopped by with words of good wishes and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. I am plonked on the couch feeling pretty bloated and a little sore. Before the procedure, Dr Ding-Dong popped in and I predicted that he would retrieve between 10 and 15 eggs. He predicted he would get 18! Guess what, he got 17. I am thrilled. Last time we only had seven. We had 6 embryo's, 4 were transferred and the other 2 did not make it. Of course now I have a new worry- I hope we get a good number of fertilized eggs. I'm also worried because everything is going so well and I know I will be devastated if it does not work. I'm a bit too groggy to contemplate anymore then that right now. The drugs really knock me for six and I feel like I've been punched in the ovaries. I start PIO shots tomorrow. My friend M is coming over to show B how to give the shots. I think he's a bit nervous. My E2 yesterday was 3170 .

Just let me go to sleep......

I love going to bed early. A good night for me is getting in to bed at 9, reading until 9:30 or 10 and then sleep until 6:30. Tonight I trigger at 11:30. I also have to get up at 6 for a work meeting. Typical. So here I am, it's 11:02 and the clock is sloooooooooowwwwwwwlllllyyyyyyy making it' s way toward 11:30. I've got everything ready to go. Shot at 11:30. Bed at 11:31. Did I tell you I love going to bed? Stats for today! E2-2767 Rt ovary- 21, 16, 14.5, 20, 20.5, 17, 14.5, 18.5 Lt ovary- 21, 16.5, 15, 18, 17.5, 15.5, 16 My retrieval is scheduled for Friday 13th. Have I mentioned that 20 times yet?In case I don't get to post again please pop over here to wish this lovely lady a happy birthday. Not only is her birthday on Friday the 13th but she was born on Friday the 13th. I'm excited to be busy over the next few days, doing something about getting pregnant. The moaning and complaining should start on day 2 of bedrest so tune in next Tuesday. I'm also nervous about my first PIO shot on Saturday.

Sling me up!

On my first IVF my ovaries felt like they were going to pop and I wished I had a sling to hold them up. Walking was uncomfortable because they would jiggle (along with the excess pounds of belly fat!) A few months ago I was turned on to these and they have been a godsend during this second cycle. I call them my sling therapy. They hold everything in and while I still feel bloated, it is a contained bloatedness. Dr Ding-Dong is going to put me to work soon as he'll think I'm a staff member at the clinic I've been there so often. I'm going back tomorow as well. Today went well. I'm simmering nicely. Retrieval still on for Friday 13th.

E2- 1822

Lining- 16mm

Rt Ovary

18

17.5

15.5

15

17

16.5

14

11

Lt Ovary

17.5

14.5

14.5

12.

15.5

13.5

13

I hope and pray that these follicles produce the goods on Friday.

I am so happy at this moment in time!

I hope I stay that way. Things are going really well. Really, really well. In fact they are going so well that it could all go to shit at any moment. You see while I was reading all the wonderful blogs thinking I really must post or I'll be so behind and then documenting figures will be such an insurmountable task that I won't do it and then I'll be sorry blah, blah, blah....., I came across this. You see I was really worried about my worry and my anxiety. I can't get rid of them, they are always there. Even now, when I am so happy, I'm still worried and anxious. Yesterday morning, I had such a strong feeling of anxiety in my chest, I thought it would explode. I can't make it go away no matter what I do. I was so worried that it would effect the outcome. Now I'm just going to worry that this might not work but I'm not going to worry that my worrying will affect the outcome. Yeah! For posterity I will post all my stats from my last two doctors appointments. Saturday January 7th E2-375 Rt Ovary-#6 14, 121/2, 13x10, 121/2,, 10/11 Lt Ovary- #6 13, 131/2, 12x9, 11x10, 10x9,10 Monday January 9th E2-953 Lining- 16mm RT Ovary # 9- 17x16, 11x11, 13x12, 19x16, 17x15, 16x14, 13x12, 12x11, 12x12 LtOvary-#5- 15x12, 12x12, 15x14, 17x10, 14x13 Seems like I gained a few in my right ovary and lost one in my left but that's ok. My numbers look good. I'm still on for a Friday 13th retrieval. I go back in for one more check tomorrow. Trigger on Wednesday. See what I mean, it all looks good so it could go to shit in a handbasket in 2 seconds flat.

This is my Life!

I saw this here and thought it would be fun. Seemingly I did very well in the love department! as did P.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.3
Mind:	6.8
Body:	7.7
Spirit:	5.6
Friends/Family:	6.5
Love:	9.1
Finance:	6.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Cycle Day 5

Rt Ovary-6 follicles 9x9, 8x7, 10x8, 7x7,8x7,8x8 Lt Ovary-6 follicles 7x6, 8x7, 9x9, 8x8, 7x7, 6x6 I tried to think of a title for this post, but frankly, I'm too tired. This morning I couldn't understand why I was still so exhausted (lupron exhausted) as I dragged myself to Dr Ding-Dongs office for a meeting with the dildo cam. I am thrilled with my response so far. Six follicles in each ovary, all fairly uniform in size. My first IVF yielded similar numbers but some of the follicles were much bigger than the others. Dr Ding-Dong told me to continue same dose of stims Thursday and Friday and then cut Gonal F and increase Menopur on Saturday. He said come back Monday for next appt. I think he saw the disappointment in my face. Monday is 4 whole days away. I responded so quickly last time and ended up having retrieval earlier than expected and then only got seven eggs despite 12 visible follicles, maybe because they were not mature. Anyway, he left and then came back and said he would be there Saturday morning if I wanted to come in. I took him up on the offer. That makes me so much happier. My favorite nurse, (I'll call her Nurse M. for now) called me with my lab results. E2-103. My God! No wonder I'm exhausted, I'm still verging on the lupron low. She said in light of this result, Dr Ding-Dong said I could wait until Monday to come in but that he would be glad to see me if I still wanted to come in. I'm going in. Four days is too long to go without the dildo cam!!!!! Seriously, I'd prefer to err on the side of over-monitoring. I know he is trying to save me some money but this is worth my piece of mind. Nurse M said "I'd do the same if it was me". It looks like my retrieval will be Friday the 13th. I hope it is. I'm not superstitious but I would take that as a good omen- Hey, I'll take anything as a good omen. Right now, I'm off to bed. I can feel my ovaries for the first time tonight. It's just an awareness that they are working hard, kind of a heavy feeling with the odd twinge. Tomorrow I'm hoping to wake up to that estrogen high you get before your ovaries become so heavy you need a sling to hold them up. More on my sling therapy over the weekend.

Suppression. Check.

We have suppression. E2 = < 20 P4 = 0.43 I have 6 antral follicles on the right ovary and 4.5 on the left. (How do you have 4.5 follicles?) Dr Ding-Dong is pleased. He asked me how I was doing on the lupron and I said that it was ok so far, just a mild headache. Of course that question jinxed me because now I am nauseous and I have bad period cramps. Oh well, I’m pumping up the estrogen levels from now on so I should be feeling better. Dr Ding-Dong and I were having a little giggle about the fact that I would be cleaning the house at top speed in a couple of days and B said “that’ll make a change”. Cheek! Tonight I cut my lupron back to 0.25mgs and add Gonal F 300 iu and Menopur 75 iu to my cocktail. Today I am feeling a little down because of my friend’s bad news last night and this. Think of them all today and send your version of prayers and good thoughts their way.

A kick in the stomach!

I have a good friend who has been going through this struggle with infertility for three years. Five IVF's later he and his wife got pregnant for the first time. They found out at Thanksgiving. I was so exited for them. They will be the best parents. Tonight I received this e-mail from him. "There's no easy way to say this but D and I went for our 10 week ultrasound Thursday and there was no fetal heartbeat. The last several ultrasounds showed a normal heartbeat, so you can imagine the devasation we felt. She needed a D and C Friday." What do you say to these poor people. I am crying and my pain is only a fraction of what they must be feeling. Why is life so fucking unfair.

The Wait is Over and Recap

Yes! It is officially cycle day 1. I woke up this morning to my new year gift from AF. We went to bed before midnight. We had a small celebration at 4pm which was midnight GMT, called my parents and toasted the new year with some champagne. We had take-out Indian food and played Blokus and backgammon like the boring old married couple we are. We could have gone to a couple of parties and I think B might have liked to; but I just couldn't be bothered. I feel fat already and I haven't even started stims yet. I'm hoping that CD 1 on 1/1 is a good omen for me. I'm not superstitious but I need a little good karma right now. I am so excited at moving forward it seems a little redundant to look back, however, not knowing how long this journey will take, I may be glad this time next year that I did recap. I knew long before the beginning of 2005 that we would have trouble conceiving. I made some half-hearted efforts in 2001 to investigate why we weren't getting pregnant but we weren't actively trying so I wasn't that worried. My lab results were all normal, my Ob-Gyn commented that my uterine lining seemed a bit thick for where I was in my cycle(my first experience with the dildo-cam) but that was it. I did nothing until 2004 when my PCP drew some blood which was mostly normal except for a low P4 on cycle day 21. She sent me for a HSG which showed a blocked left Fallopian tube, in fact the whole left corner of my uterus was blocked. B also had a low sperm count. I had an IUI in August 2004 with my Ob-Gyn. That failed and I couldn't do another cycle immediately after because I had a cyst on my ovary. In March of 2005. I went to see my RE Dr. Ding-Dong . He has got several of my friends pregnant!!!!!!!! I love him. He took one look at my HSG films and said he had never seen anything like it (not something you want your RE to say) He clarified that he just thought it should be repeated because he did not think my tube was blocked and he could not explain the missing corner of my uterus. He sent me for another HSG (oh joy). This time it was completely normal except for I had huge polyps in my uterine lining but both my tubes were clear. That lead to this and here we are. I didn't really have much in the way of maternal instincts until fairly recently. B really wanted kids and I didn't actively not want them. Now I find it hard to look at other children because my heart aches that I may never have one of my own. Things have always come easily to me. Maybe I need the journey to motherhood to be this difficult to make me realize how much I really want it. Now I know I really, really want it.

Still waiting.................

That would be me. Still waiting.......................

The Waiting Game.

How many posts on infertility blogs have the same title as this one. It seems I am always waiting for something, AF, lab results, to start, for acupuncture to do it's thing. I am not by nature a patient person and waiting really gets to me, although I have to say that infertility has taught me at least to be a little patient. Also, as I get older I realize how fast life is passing (God, how I used to laugh at my parents when they said "wait 'til you're our age, then you'll see how fast time really goes"), and I want to savor it as much as can. IF makes savoring anything very difficult. We are stuck in limboland waiting to see what will happen. Anyway, I digress. I was over at Manana Banana earlier today, and I laughed when Amanda said AF came on as a result of her clean white sheets. So I've put clean white sheets on my bed in the hope the bloody thing will start so I can go in for suppression check and start the stims. I'm a junkie! Lupron is not enough. I need more and more. B and I went to acupuncture today. We've been every week since the beginning of August. I'm am excited to get this cycle really going. I am having positive thoughts and I love S the acupuncturist. She has such a lovely positive energy. She is following the protocol laid out by Randine Lewis in The Fertility Cure. I didn't do this in IVF # 1.

Wishing all of you a Happy New Year

or as we say in Ireland

Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise Daoibh

2006 is the Year of the Dog

and so my pups would also like to wish you all a Happy New Year!

Better be a Better Blogger!

I moved my blog after a measly 3 posts because I realised I did not want anyone I knew to read it. In case I want to bitch. I have been a less than stellar blogger because I spend my time reading on everyone else's blogs, marvelling at how well written they are. I laugh out loud at some of the posts and cry with others. B thinks I am slightly insane. Of course here I am seven shots into the lupron part of my second IVF cycle, when I realize, I'm supposed to blog to try and relieve some of my ever present low grade anxiety. Duh! I am going to copy and paste some of my other stuff over here so it's all together. If that is a serious breach of blogger ettiquette, someone, please let me know. I'll move it back. Ha Ha. I just realized, I had five posts. Wow! Anyway, back to the lupron. I have a mild headache and extremely mild nausea. It was there today when I woke up. When I got home from work B said he was going to the shop to get me a surprise. He came back with this. I laughed but tried it anyway. I thought it wasn't working but after about five minutes I got this cool yet tingling feeling on my forehead where I had liberally smeared it on. When I thought about it, the headache was still kind of there but I had to really think about it. Fot the most part you are just concentrating on the cool tingling and not the headache. I will be quite attached to this for the next week or so until my lupron dose is decreased. Oh, and it doesn't smell. AF should arrive in the next few days and then it's in to Dr. Ding-Dong for U/S and B/W. to see if I can get started on the next stage of my cycle.

If Only It Were True! 

Christmas Shopping.

My best friend since I was eight lives in Chicago and like me, all her family live in Ireland. She left me a message the other day while out shopping for something to wear for her work Christmas Party, that there was just nothing out there and she wanted to fly back to Ireland for the weekend to go clothes shopping. She said the same thing to her sister who bought her a ticket home for a christmas present. I am so jealous, even though I know it will be dark and cold. She will get to see my Mother and I won't. Anyway, I digress. She'll get to buy clothes at home, which I always like to do. I always get such lovely stuff, designed for the normal girl, not the skinny minnies here in LA. So I was reading my favourite blogs and I see that Pamplemousse got new boots and then I was jealous of her because she went shopping at Marks and Spencers.

Time to Take the Finger Out!

I just got back from my acupuncture session. B and I go together every Saturday and have done for the last 4 months. We wanted to do everything we could possibly do to make the next round of IVF work. Well, I did and B is just going along with it to keep me happy, darling that he is. He and S(acupuncturist) ganged up on me today. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't do any exercise, spend all day on the computer (though to be fair, some of that time is spent working). I know I'm doing it and I know the only way to pull myself out is to get moving and start exercising but I just can't be bothered. I do feel sufficiently bad now that I'm scared of feeling this way forever. My lack of control over my feelings and my life are actually terrifying the crap out of me. I wish I just knew what was going to happen. My life is on hold. I am waiting to either have a child, or not have a child. I don't necessarily think I will have a child one way or the other, in fact it is hard to imagine that I'll ever be a mother. I don't think I want to adopt. It's a choice between a biological child or no child. I haven't discussed this with B. We haven't got to that point yet.I'm making a commitment now to take the finger out. I will get back into my walking routine and go to 2 yoga classes this week. B said he'll come to yoga with me. I don't really want to but at this point, I have to.

Some More History

I had an IUI with medication on November 11th and 12th. B's sperm count was really low so Dr Ding-Dong said that there was not much hope of the cycle working. I had two follicles which he said was a bit of a disappointing response to the Menopur. He said if he had known I would respond like that he would have started the meds on cycle day 2 instead of 3. When I had IVF in July, he could count 12 follicles and I responded really quickly to the medication but they only retrieved 7 eggs. That cycle failed. 6 of the eggs fertilized. He implanted 4 embryos and the other 2 didn't make it. So now, here I am waiting for my period to start so I can start another cycle of IVF.

A Little History

B. and I have been married for 9 years. Only in the last 18 months have we taken the finger out and really got the ball rolling on our infertility journey. B's sperm counts have been abysmal to not so bad. I had a d&c to remove polyps in April. One failed IUI in May with low sperm count led us to IVF in June/July. That didn't work. At first I was gung-ho to go straight into the next cycle but following a meeting with our RE, he thought our embryos(4) did not implant due to a sperm issue. B. Immediately had a SCSA test which after 2 agonizing weeks during which I read the awful facts that if his SCSA was >35, we had about a 1% chance of getting pregnant even with IVF. I fell apart and realized I was not ready to do another IVF. Well, his SCSA came back at 19 and normal is 15 so the doc said no worries. He has since told us that the most recent studies have shown that the SCSA may not even be that useful. We have spent the last 3 1/2 months doing acupuncture and taking vile disgusting herbs so that we have a better chance the next time. I am currently in the waiting period of an IUI with medication. We wanted to try that to see if the herbs/acupuncture had made any difference to the sperm count. It didn't and the IUI didn't work. On to IVF #2.